Post-Mortem: They Say It’s the Worst Millennial Habit of Them All. It’s the Best Thing I’ve Ever Done.
Some family business all around (and my new Slate piece!)
I’m BACK! I had a baby who is now plump and juicy. Just in time for the family friendly topic of estrangement to reach the mainstream - I also happen to add to the conversation here!
“What did you think of the NYT Story About Estrangement?”
Dozens of people reached out to me under my rock to ask me this. (Gift Link.) Friends, I did not read it, not until my editor wanted to reference it in this piece (which I wrote mostly in early 2021 but just couldn’t place until now lol).
Why didn’t I read it?
I live under a rock.
I spend all my phone time googling “When do babies sleep through the night?”
I knew it would make me feel TERRIBLE. And miss my mom. And second-guess the decision I am now publicly advertising my contentment about! And feel like society truly is disintegrating, one narcissistic millennial/Gen Z at a time.
It truly lived up to those expectations when I finally did read it. And here are my thoughts as a happily estranged person.
I think it was well done. Kudos to Ellen Barry. And it zooms in on the most extreme example of a social media trend.
I am pretty pro-estrangement. But do I trust this Patrick Teahan guy? No.
I don’t really trust any social media social worker. I don’t trust any TikTok trend. (Throwing cheese on babies! Throwing babies in the water to save themselves! Ice cubes filled with roses!)
Saying I don’t trust Instagram makes me feel extremely old, but it also feels like a no-brainer. It could be the best idea in the world (“drink more water!”) and social media will make it ridiculous and harmful.
Do I believe ANY influencer has their followers' best interest as priority 1A? No. If they were MOST focused on follower’s wellbeing, they wouldn’t be successful influencers.
The bad things that happened to these estrangees are pretty glossed over.
The whole story is kind of “kid said, parent said.” I wanted to know — when Diane’s daughter described flashbacks of getting pulled by her mom, what did that mean? What is the book-length version of this story? What would a neighbor say?
A lot of this stuff you actually could really fact check. And the Times has amazing fact checkers. So this back-and-forth is really to seed ambiguity, so you think “Wow this is a complicated situation!”
I felt SO bad for Diane, the estranged mom!
I thought this piece was extremely sympathetic towards these estranged parents. My heart was breaking for Diane, the alcoholic who created a “volatile atmosphere.”
But I wonder if that's just me as someone who went through the ringer with my parents and therefore feels a lot of sympathy for abusers?
My editor thought it was actually a pretty unflattering portrayal. Diane talked a lot about how people would judge her and my editor thought those quotes were "pulling her up by her own petard.” (A new expression to me. My editor is a very smart person who managed to teach me five new words.)
Just like getting estranged, it took looking back to see the truth.
It wasn't until a few days after reading and sharing with Byron that I realized this. Diane didn't express any remorse at all for what she did. She was never quoted wondering what was going on for her daughter. It was all about her!
On the surface, it looks like an understandable level of grief.
Now, I totally understand why her daughter won't talk to her!
The commenters are pro-estrangement, too!
This was the biggest shock of all. “This is America!” readers say, “where we have the freedom not to speak to our families!”
What did you think?
What are your thoughts on my story and on the New York Times piece? I'd love to know in the comments. I'm going to be in them, responding, since I need some social interaction with someone who can use consonants.
And if you're interested in more juicy estrangement content, I am part of an awesome anthology project. If you are a book editor at a major publishing house reading this, please be in touch.
In the meantime, please enjoy a photo of my kid. I pray she speaks to me when she grows up!
Xxoo
Emi
Great and sharp piece. I love your writing. and congratulations on the baby. Parenthood is amazing and magical.
Estrangement.. No matter what, I think it's hard for everyone and complicated. As a Korean-American who grew up with hardcore Confucius upbringing all around, it's a mixed bag for me. I DID "run away" when I was an early 20s for about 6 months. I was in Boston but I just told my parents I moved away and needed some time off. I think I felt safe for the first time. Once things calmed down, I felt incredibly alone and guilty. As an only child, I'll always carry that filial duty that binds me to my mom. I'm able to have some distance now because I found out I was adopted as a 40 something year old woman and she now lives in Korea. But it's hard but I'm also am learning to have a lot more empathy as I get much older. I've also realized that complex history (Japanese occupation and Korean war) that spans generations probably made it worse. So I'm working on just accepting certain things in life without feeling devastated.
Very thoughtful takes, thank you! And congratulations!!
I think this is one of those issues people either really get, or do not get *at all.* Plus, abuse is often its own sick secret, that children are required to hold.
So anyone who decides that estrangement is their best option is inevitably pressured by friends and relatives. Second guessed. Made to feel guilty. And chances are, they have already cycled through these feelings internally, and are perhaps even still grappling with them. Which is just gut-wrenchingly unfair.
So if nothing else, I am all for more discussion of this, both to comfort and validate those who feel they have to take this course, and educate those who criticize their choices without remotely understanding them.