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Ida Santana MD's avatar

I tried soooo much of what they're pitching in these Fertility coaching sessions- Chinese herbs, accupuncture, Watsu- shiatsu in the water, pineapple cores for some enzyme, hypnosis, every kind of meditation possible, reiki, Craniosacral therapy, couple's therapy, tango lessons, yoga, a psychic, journaling therapy, qi gong, Ayurvedic therapy and none of it made a goddamn difference.

The thing that helped me the most was my dad's first wife SherriMomma I'd emailed her some blanket rote "Pray for me" the last time I did IVF in 2012- and she wrote back that she'd pray for me because I'd asked her to but she didn't think it'd make a difference.

And I laughed and laughed and all this lightness came upon me- knowing all of it was BS- prayers are completely BS. Such a weird trap- my dad's sister my Aunt Sally is a cloistered nun Carmelite Order- and I'd think of all her prayers- what a waste- did she not pray hard enough? It's a trap like all self help because when you do the things they tell you to do and it doesn't work- you think (negative cognition) I must've not tried hard enough/ not prayed hard enough. There's something else out there that will make it right and if I just search and search and seek and find it then it'll work. Like some holy grail/ magical elixir.

And the worst goddamn thing people would say is "Just stop trying, then it'll just happen naturally." I really wished I'd punched them in the face every time someone said that to me. Or "Have you thought about adoption?"

Jesus Christ. How dumb do you think I am?! "No, I never thought of adoption, tell me more about how I can go to another country and take advantage of the shitty system that some child is born into!" Guatemala and Honduras they just human traffic those babies. Tell the mothers it's temporary, kidnap them and sell them on the black market.

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Abby Alten Schwartz's avatar

Emi, thank you so much for sharing all of this. It’s so helpful. I remember your first viral piece. It’s what put you on my radar and made me eager to buy your book (loved your book). I hope you continue sharing your path to publication as well as what came next.

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