Post-Mortem: “In Most of the World, It’s Banned. In America, Some Parents Will Stop at Nothing to Create the Perfect Baby.”
My latest for Slate (and the major meltdown it caused!)
I’m writing this from labor and delivery triage — no I’m not having a baby today (hopefully)! Byron and I are here to try and flip our breech baby. You can see videos of the procedure and you will either be entranced or horrified. I’m the former, but ask me again tomorrow.
Today, I’m thrilled to have my first reported story on the front page of Slate: “These Parents Want Daughters—and Daughters Only.”
“When I think about having a child that’s a boy, it’s almost a repulsion, like, Oh my God, no.”
This story was inspired when one friend, then another, told me they were doing IVF to ensure they had girls. I started reporting this story almost sixteen months ago. And it finally found a home at Slate, where it received incredible edits — including from my former writing teacher!!
This is the third in my suite of fertility stories: Part 1 on embryo freezing gone wrong for The Cut; Part 2 on regulatory nightmares for The Atlantic. And I am psyched!!
But I wasn’t ALWAYS excited for this to come out. In fact, I was mortified. Digging through my master list of newsletter info, I found a special treat for you: a real-time debrief.
Debrief: Written at 11 a.m. Tuesday, March 19th (The morning after filing.)
Filed at 11:30 pm. Was SO STRESSED LAST NIGHT!!!
Will I ever learn how to turn in a story before 11 pm?????
Feared it was horrible!!!
Couldn’t sleep
Did I do a good job???
What happened???
Talked to a bunch of people
Had an outline. Felt good about it!
But then really struggled with structure.
Got through A DRAFT Friday night - glad I stayed up for it.
Monday- got more feedback and edited with feedback.
REALLY wish I had done this a day or so before so I could do it with clear eyes!!
What will I do differently this time? (literally this week!) [Note: I had my Atlantic story due on Friday 3/22, 3 days later. It was not written. I still had interviews left to do - mostly scheduled for Wednesday!]
WRITE THE EDITED DRAFT THURSDAY
Final pass Friday
That means I need to have **a** draft wednesday. That will be very fun!!! OR get feedback on mid-day Thursday.
Is everything actually okay?
Probably!!! LOL
Just nervous. Normal jitters.
My friend says it’s good.
But what do **I** want to do differently?
Not stay up so late lol!!
Let myself off the hook.
Remember: my drafts get WAYYYY BETTER after editing.
“What happened with the story?? Did you get fired?”
It was totally fine. My editor said “Thank you for the great draft!”
We edited the crap out of it (which I always appreciate), but it was mostly minor stuff. The structure didn’t even change that much!
When I re-found this debrief last week, I was shocked.
I can’t believe I was EVER so mired in self-doubt. This piece slaps!
Was doing a debrief helpful?
YES. It let me move on and move forward when I was mired in shame and self-doubt.
Writing this out helped me focus not only on how I felt about my draft but what I wanted to do differently next time: Not stay up so late; not feel so rushed.
Because I took the time to think through how to avoid this next time, I realized I didn’t have enough time for my next story and asked my Atlantic editor for an extension.
Did I file that piece at 2 a.m.? Yes.
Did I feel at peace about that? Also yes.
“So, did you select for a daughter?”
Fun fact: reporting this story made me decide I didn’t want to learn the sex of my babe. (Right now, I predict they will be a boy with long hair who asks Byron to style it in funny ways and enjoys doing “boy things” such as baking while wearing an apron, woodworking, and patching his jeans after busting the crotch on a bicycle — but who knows!)
There’s actually a long legacy of stories about American parents doing sex selection for daughters. Slate did one 12 years ago that I can’t stop thinking about. This gem in New York Times Magazine is twenty-five years old. (Read it! The whole thing!! The kicker is amazing!)
If you want to hear more about the story, I’ll be on Slate’s “What Next: TBD” podcast, dropping in a couple of days (Apple, Spotify).
My last speaking engagement for a while
I was so thrilled to spend yesterday in New London, as a keynote speaker at the Independent Education Consultants’ Association annual conference.
I had to do my talk without slides at the last minute, so thank God for my Bible Memorisation Champion Skills. And luckily they let me bring my handler(s):
This is the last trip for a while, but I’m so excited to be back at it in the fall. Next time, I hope, with slides.
Fertility Facts from the Mystic Aquarium
Turns out, I went to New London once before — on a Google offsite! My whole team did the ropes course, but I had just frozen my eggs and couldn’t walk without clutching my grapefruit-sized ovary. So, instead, I went to the aquarium with my cousin, who happened to work on the sister team in Cambridge and who I know primarily through Google offsites. (She’s a fellow corporate rabble rouser — I guess it runs in the family.)
After seeing the cute penguins, I couldn’t help but ask: how do you tell if they are male or female?
Turns out, you can’t! Since they have no external genitals, you have to do a blood test.
Then, my cousin and I saw the sea lion show. During Q&A, she leaned over and whispered in my ear, “What kind of birth control do you think they use on the sea lions?”
So, of course I raised my hand and, in front of a few dozen (male) colleagues said, “My cousin wants to know: what kind of birth control do they use?”
Answer: Depo Provera. The same shot as for humans! Except they only need one shot a year, for mating season.
That’s all for now!
Emi
I had to have my baby flipped at the hospital - 10 1/2 lbs! Congrats on the Slate piece, great reporting all over!
Hi Emi I thought your article was excellent. I had no idea that people were that picky on what they think is going to be a successful person based on their gender. I think you still have to be good parents and do your best to raise good children and on a separate note stop doubting your writing. Every article I’ve read even after your book has been outstanding…keep up the great work